Circles
by Beboppin' Betty
Summary: Ryan thinks about his future as he prepares to say goodbye.


No matter how hard you try, how hard you fight, reality still finds a way to sneak in and sucker punch you. I don't know why it took me so long to realize that, but when Theresa told me she was keeping the baby, it wasn't a sucker punch, it was a knock-out.

I knew, deep down at the core of my very being, that I couldn't let her do it alone. That baby -- mine or not -- deserved a chance at a good life, like the one I had with the Cohens. It deserved a _family _like the one I had in the Cohens.

And then -- oh wait, there was reality, ready and waiting to smack me around.

In order to give that kid a family, I had to walk out on mine.

Kirsten, who I love more than I ever realized was possible; Sandy, the only real father figure I've had. The things I've learned from them will probably come around when my kid's growing up.

My kid.

It's all I can do to swallow the sheer panic that's been simmering for some time, but just now threatening to burst out. Despite it, I can't help but smile a little at the thought of what Seth would be saying in an attempt to ease the situation, were he here. Seth, my best friend. My brother. Sandy may have brought me home and Kirsten may have loved me, but Seth was the one who saved me.

And Marissa. The girl I love. The girl I tried my damnedest to save. In the end though, I don't know if I made things better or worse -- or if I did anything at all. Because, in the end, she was heading right back to the same place she'd been in when I first arrived.

With a sigh, I pushed Marissa out of my mind and forced myself to focus on only the minutes I was currently living. I couldn't afford to think about anything else. To occupy my mind, I looked around the pool house, made one last inspection. The bed was made, the floor spotless. It looked exactly the way it had the first time I'd walked through the door, except for the small black duffel bag sitting on the bed next to the suit I'd worn to the wedding.

There was only one thing missing.

It was hanging in the closet, pushed to the back to make room for all the new clothes Kirsten kept insisting I needed. I hadn't worn it in months, and in truth, forgot about it for great stretches of time. After all, it was the only tangible reminder I had of my old life -- a life that I will never escape.

It was a lot harder than I thought it would be, but I pushed my arms through the sleeves of my old jacket. It's much heavier than I remember, a weight on my shoulders that I never noticed before. The familiarity is there in the folds and worn edges, but it feels almost rough against my skin, constricting. Almost as if it doesn't fit just right anymore.

That too was pushed away as I thought of what lay ahead of me.

I had to go and say goodbye to my family.

We would promise each other that this wasn't final, that we were only an hour apart, but I knew better. This wasn't going to be a see you later, it was final.

Chino and Newport weren't just an hour apart, there was an entire world between them.

The realization hit me like a fist to the gut. Marissa wasn't the only one who'd come full circle. I'd come from another world to live in a borrowed paradise, only to be pulled back in a year later. Standing in the pool house in the same clothes I'd been wearing at my arrival, it was like I'd blinked and a year had passed in a second.

It was like my past and my present were the same moment. I could literally see the circle coming to a close, and when it did -- as they always do -- another one would begin.

Instead of a teenage delinquent with a chance, I'd be a teenage father and high school drop-out.

Big fucking surprise.

I could see it now: I'd start resenting Theresa, she'd come to despise me for it. The kid would be caught in the middle of it all and would look for any way to escape -- and in my Chino, there was no good way. It was a perpetual cycle. Messed up parents equal messed up kid.

Yet another circle. Never ending, inescapable.

It took everything I had in me to walk out that door, to see them one last time. To say goodbye.

By the time Theresa and I passed Marissa at the end of the drive, I was already shutting down. I was already forgetting Ryan of Newport; I was already becoming Ryan of Chino. Not the same person who took Theresa to the school dances or played Snoopy on stage. That circle had closed a long time ago. I was becoming the person who had a kid to raise, a person who'd given up everything he loved for a girl who didn't belong in his life anymore.

But the thing about circles was they were just like ripples, bumping into everyone else's, affecting their lives in unimaginable ways. Staring out the window of Theresa's car at the ocean, I realized the one thing that just might get me through to the next circle of my life.

I may have fucked up, but I'd gained a family in the process, and I had learned something priceless from them.

My crappy life hadn't been my fault -- I didn't have a choice in how I was brought up, but I did have a choice in how I would raise my kid.

I might not have managed to bridge the gap between those two worlds, but that little speck of life I helped create damn well would.

My child is, after all, part Cohen.

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Disclaimer: I own nothing.

A/N: It's 230 in the morning, so I don't know how much sense this makes.

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